"i hate" "i miss"

Just about every advice column about getting over a breakup will tell you not to give in to bad thoughts about your ex. According to common wisdom, every time you think, "I hate my ex," you should squelch the thought. Well common wisdom is correct. Hate might feel good for the moment, but it only harms the hater in the end. However, it can still be healthy to entertain "bad" thoughts about your ex.

When it comes to relationships, that "I hate my ex" thought is really just a whole lot of love turned inside out. You're hurt, you're angry. Remember that old saying, that there is a fine line between love and hate? Well, it's true. You might even still be in love with the one who hurt you -- and angry at yourself for being so. What do all those confused emotions add up to: unfortunately, a lot of times the answer is hate.

Whether you're thinking, "I hate my ex," or "I miss my ex," you probably only one side of the person: as all good or all bad. It is urgent that you gain a more realistic perception of your ex, that you see them as human, simply human, with a mixture of both good and bad.

This is where thinking "bad" about your ex comes in.

First, if it applies, stop being angry at yourself for still loving the person who hurt you. Second, start thinking of your ex in realistic ways. Be critical, but fair. Think about his or her bad qualities, the things that always irked you, the little habits you put up with -- and why.

Again, the point is not to drum up bad feelings about your ex. The point is to see your ex for who he or she really is, not who you need or want them to be. We tend to idealize -- or demonize -- people, depending on how we feel about them. This distortion may have even helped cause the breakup.

Thinking healthy "bad" thoughts about your ex will help you readjust your image of him or her -- and maybe even of yourself. Seeing your ex for who he or she really can help you forgive yourself and get over the breakup. It can also help you decide whether you really want to stay apart or perhaps get back with your ex again.